What everyone should ask a cleaner before employing them.
The all important question to ask a prospective
cleaner is — Not, have you got a police clearance not worth the paper it’s
written on document? Not, are you reliable? Not, have you got references?
The question to ask is — are you a writer?
If the answer is yes – don’t employ them – believe
me. I’m a writer who’s cleaned plenty of
houses. When times have been lean I’ve gone out to clean. And what has always
floored me, is the amount of security people installed into their homes.
Because when I look around me, and think, okay if I broke into this home what
would I steal? Well, quite, honestly, the selection is poor. Bugger me, if I know why people think their
possessions are so precious that people would want to steal them. Houses crammed with electrical goods attached
to countless power points, and enough furniture to make IKEA blush. Nah. These
things are hardly tempting, besides how would I get a lounge suite into my puny
car?
But being a writer, I steal something much more, I
steal lives. I steal sights, sounds, smells, histories recorded in photographs
and certificates hung proudly on walls. I steal people’s idiosyncratic ways,
their behaviours, how they treat their pets, their children, their neighbours.
I steal their insecurities mirrored throughout their conversations and houses
and front and backyards. I steal so much. Yet I always leave their houses
looking immaculate and clean and with a nice smell. Not a trace of things
having been stolen.
Then, from all the things I’ve stolen, I distill
into words. Threaded throughout my writing are all the people whose houses I’ve
cleaned, and stolen from.
There is no such thing as being secure when a writer
set their sights on you.
So next time, before employing a cleaner, ask — do
you write?
